Have you ever seen that movie What To Expect When You’re Expecting? Skyler, Wendy’s younger step-mother gets pregnant alongside her and gives birth to twins, basically sneezing them out. I always think back to that scene because it’s so funny how some moms have that perception of L&D and just motherhood in general. There are so many blogs and so much information published online but you always hear people tell there friends, “Don’t read stuff on the internet. It will just scare you.” And I kind of think that’s poor advice. The right thing to say, honestly, is watch what you read because it’s really important to be informed of what you’re going to be getting yourself into. ‘Cause once you’re in it, you’re in it.
Once everyone left, Sanj and I had to find our rhythm as a family of five. We’re very big on getting out of the house and meeting new people. We like to do random things and explore, but the anxiety of getting out was gnawing at me.
We decided to go out anyway, get some things for the nursery and organize the basement. Ikea was the destination. It was 4pm and Serena woke up from her nap and had a snack. The boys also just finished feeding. I get the diaper bag ready. I kept a second bag for “just in case” items, like PJs if we’re out too late, toys for tantrums, etc. I like to be prepared because, anxiety. We had to go get some dinner for Serena because I hadn’t cooked dinner and also stop by the other house we are selling since the open house was going on. By the time we got Serena food, she was too cranky to be in the car, stuck in the middle with cry babies on each side; but it was too cold to be outside in any capacity. With our luck, everyone just had to eat at the same time and it didn’t help that both parents were also hangry. Divide and conquer was our approach. JJ takes Serena into the driver’s seat and calms her down, while I start feeding the boys one-by-one. Sean spit up on me but that’s okay because momlife! Shae let it out from the other end, though. ALL OVER MY LAP.
At that point, I just broke down. All I kept thinking was that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t handle being a mom of three and have it be easy. I was in so much pain from the stitches still, my boobs were so sore, my toddler was throwing a hissy fit in the backseat, and my husband was getting hangry. Getting spit up on and then pooped on didn’t really make me feel … accomplished. I felt like something had to give because I was losing it.
And something did give: the anxiety. I needed and need to take a chill pill. I don’t know why, but I had this idea of what momlife with multiples was supposed to be like.. and it’s not. I needed to let go of the anxiety of feeding kids on time and making sure the toddler has enough protein and the books that need to get organized in the nursery. I just needed to let go and let it be.
Needless to say, we didn’t make it to Ikea this time, but that’s okay. We’re still in survival mode. They kids are okay. JJ’s okay. I’m okay. We’re all okay.
The boys It’s as if the clouds are parting and I see a ray of sunlight fighting to shine through the cracks. No, but really, the last three months were crazy hard. The boys are meeting all their milestones. They’re *almost* sleeping 8 hours at night. One lost his voice and is not feeling well. Poor guy! We’ve identified another allergy for the other: coconut. I’ve gone around like a mad woman trying to remove all products from the house that contain that from the house. We have to get him officially tested when he’s one, but for the most part, we have to act like he is allergic. Overall, they’re happy boys…now. But it took us a while to get here. I know people say “Be patient, it gets easier” but it’s so hard to see the easy when you’re neck-deep in hard shit. Anyway, they’re good now. They love to giggle, stare at each other, and pull at things. It’s fun times for them!
Serena People always ask me how she’s doing. Is she jealous? Is she helpful? Does she like being a big sister? Well, she’s doing great. She’s not the jealous type. If I was being honest, I don’t think she understand what a sister is yet or that she is one. When the boys are crying, she will go up to them and kiss their feet (if they’re in the rockers) and sing a song. We have made a conscious effort to not tell her to say “Don’t cry, baby brother.” Instead, we tell her to say, “It’s okay, brother. I’m here for you. Let me sing.” And then she proceeds to sing ABCs. She also says, “Mommy will be right back.” This was very important for us because we wanted her and both boys to know that it’s okay to cry. Babies (and boys) crying is okay. If we get that message across from the beginning, then it’s not that hard when they’re growing up.
Mommy Ugh, does that self-doubt ever go away? I sometimes wonder if my mother ever felt like what she did was enough, like if what she was doing was the right thing. If Serena watches Zootopia once a day, is that too much TV time? If I didn’t wash my hands and one of the boys had an allergic reaction to something does that make me a bad mom? The other one rolled over off the carpet and start licking the floor and now he lost his voice, gosh I feel so terrible. Man, this is the third time Serena peed in her underwear today. Will I ever by the type of mom that just sneezes babies out? And honestly, probably not; but that’s something I am working on being okay with by just affirming to myself that I am the best mother for my children every.single.minute.